Today on my 19th wedding anniversary I would like to share my experience of staying in a joint family. My family consists of my in-laws, my husband, my daughter, my son, and me. We all have unique interests and nature, and we live together happily in our small world. What I like about my family is, that for 19 years we are together. Like any other family, we have fights, arguments and health issues but nothing can separate us. My husband being highly positive refer to these arguments as “discussions”. He says misunderstandings should not be kept in minds for a long time. You should have discussions more often and resolve the matters then and there. My father-in-law always says that in every house there should be arguments. These are positive signs of communication. Silence is more dangerous. It increases the distance between family members.
If you have parents in your home, then your home is blessed with God’s love. My in-laws preferred to stay with their children and grandchildren after retirement. During his younger days, my father-in-law preferred to keep his family at one place undisturbed, even when he got posted to several places. He would travel daily for work and made sure that he came back by night. My mother-in-law also sacrificed her career for the sake of her kids’ upbringing. We have been posted to so many odd places with harsh climates and small houses. But they adjusted to everything. In my children’s upbringing, they share a major part. Even when I was working outside, they took care of children right from their birth. I was always tension free about my kids.
When in-laws are there, you don’t have to worry about babysitting. Now when I look back, I feel so lucky that my kids got to stay with their grandparents. As grandparents, they gave them the best teachings. I still cherish those moments when my kids used to come from school and their grandparents would sit on the front porch waiting for them. As soon as they would come, they used to fight to tell what happened in school. My in-laws would listen to every statement of our kids patiently. They were never tired of listening to their trifle stories. When my son was in kindergarten my mom-in-law taught him how to write. He would not listen to anyone else. Today when my son is going through his teenage issues, he speaks less as compared to his childhood days. To escalate the communication my in-laws often spend time with him watching his superhero movies. They are the coolest grandparents I have ever seen. The way they have adapted to the changing trends of this generation is highly appreciable.
Having elderly people at home has several benefits. Your life becomes disciplined automatically. Seeing their fitness routine, we get inspiration to exercise every morning. The food habits are in control. Evenings are pleasant where you get to listen to spiritual teachings. I have learned so much from my mother-in-law in these years. She is a perfect homemaker. Apart from being super talented in cooking, she is known for her meticulous nature. You will find everything, even a needle, and thread in her room in a perfect place. Clothes are stacked perfectly including small handkerchiefs in her cupboard. In my family, we have perfectly embraced each other’s likings. We always go together wherever possible, like having dinners outside, sightseeing, visiting temples, watching plays and movies. At home, everyone is busy with work but when you travel together you get a lot of time to open up and converse.
Having grandparents at home is a good thing for children. It was found in the study conducted by the University of Oxford that when grandparents are present, children go through fewer emotional problems, and they exhibit lesser negative behavioral patterns. The emotional bond between grandparents and kids works for both, they show negligible signs of depression. This has been proved in a survey conducted of families from 1985 to 2004, by Boston University. Famous psychologist Susan Newman says, “Grandparents are a security blanket”. In her book, “Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren”, Newman has written about various benefits of having grandparents. She says that kids recover fast in presence of grandparents as they are great at calming their own children. Newman quotes, “Your extended family defines a great deal of your identity”.
Joint family does not necessarily mean living with your husband’s parents. There are many examples of joint families where a daughter and her husband take care of her mother. Like my brother whose mother-in-law stays with him, and they all have a friendly relationship. Another example is my cousin who is blessed to have her mother and mother-in-law with her. It is nice to see her birthday photos where she gets blessings from both these inspiring women. Recently we were invited for dinner at my daughter’s friend’s place. We were so happy to see their big joint family. They are three brothers, and they all stay together along with their families in one apartment. Their parents also stay with them. It was such a wonderful sight to see them all together. During covid when people were suffering from loneliness, they were having fun playing old games on the terrace. From morning till late at night they used to have chit chats and parties. Even when some of the members suffered from covid they were there for each other to help. It feels so great when you see such joint families who stay together even in big cities where we find less space.
My motive behind writing this article is to encourage more and more people to stay together. There are situations where even if you want to stay with your parents, it becomes difficult. Having a job abroad where parents cannot travel can be one reason for staying away. But sometimes, in families, ego and misunderstanding spoil the relationships. Grab the chance and speak out. Don’t let your past ruin your loving relationship with your parents.
Famous poet Rahim said, रहिमन धागा प्रेम का, मत तोड़ो चटकाय। टूटे से फिर ना जुड़े, जुड़े गाँठ परि जाय॥
It means human relations are like a delicate thread. Do not allow this thread of love to break. You cannot mend it if it breaks. Even if it is mended the knot of awkwardness remains forever. The generation gap can create problems in relationships. Older people in the family should adapt to changing environment and accept the current generation’s thought process. Also, younger generation people should respect the older generation and take all positive things from them. Many times, TV shows affect our thinking. We should understand that in real life, no one is completely bad or good. Sometimes circumstances and expectations lead to misunderstandings. My father-in-law believes in one philosophy, “forgive and forget”. It is better to forget the past and move on. Famous author Richard Garnett has also said, “Love is the greatest gift that one generation can leave to another.”